February 27th – Winter Retreat

Vow to Train

“No one should aspire to gain a reputation for holiness.  First of all, we must actually become holy then there would be some truth in having a reputation for it.  The way to become holy is faithfully to fulfill God’s commandments every day by loving chastity, by hating no one, by avoiding envy and hostile rivalry, by not becoming full of self but showing due respect for our elders and love for those who are younger, by praying in the love of Christ for those who are hostile to us, by seeking reconciliation and peace before the sun goes down whenever we have a quarrel with another, and finally by never despairing of the mercy of God.”

Eleven years ago I received the Buddhist Precepts and vowed to train to keep them for the rest of my life: to do good, to do no harm and to benefit all beings.  These are expressed in actual practice as in: do not kill, steal, lie, misuse sexuality or intoxicate. I emphasize ‘train’ for to keep them perfectly is impossible.  The Precepts are guides, instructions to inform my heart/mind on how to live daily.  They lead me in the direction to ‘wholly-ness’. I may lose sight of them but they are always there.

When I first read today’s given passage of St. Benedict’s Rule those precepts came to my mind and I set the two teachings side by side.  Both ask the same generosity of disciples- to not harm, to do good and to care for all beings. I began to work the two together but decided to reread the whole of chapter 4. The chapter burst open. It took on an intimacy I had not seen before.  It hit me that I am still so much the center of my life. I felt a sorrow with the flash of recognition that I hold so much back and give so little.

There also arose delight as I read the whole chapter.  It was as if among all the guidelines, Divinity popped up and said, “Here I am!” and I was surprised into thinking, “Oh, I didn’t see you at first.” It was almost as if I met the Divine face to face.

I picked out lines in the chapter that particularly spoke to me and chose to reflect on one that challenges me. That one tells me to throw my failings down at the feet of the Divine. To do this is to take refuge in the mercy of God for, as St. Benedict reminds us, we are never to despair of that mercy.  It’s letting go of the failings which is the challenge; to just drop the selfish and harmful actions at those feet and not take them back to be gone over again and again; wallowing in guilt and refusing mercy. This letting go also touches my everyday living.

I am practiced in defending myself and making excuses for my mistakes and negligence and of covering up my vulnerability. Again the challenge is to see it, to recognize it without blame and then, change.