The Cardinals by Elliot W. Lesser

The Cardinals by Elliot W. Lesser

The Cardinals by Elliot W. Lesser

When I walk into her apartment, into the small entranceway where she greets me, takes my coat hugs and kisses me with agape’ affection directs me with her hand on my arm, into her main living space, the first thing I notice is that she has candles lit. One or two, on tables or bookcases up against each of three walls of the room. The room is aglow with soft light.

“Make yourself comfortable,” she says. “I’m getting the champagne. We will celebrate.

I feel my body relax letting go of some of the tension I feel, heaviness that has been with me all day. Much of my time was spent looking out of my office window instead of working. I shouldn’t have come.

I am in no mood for conversation – especially worthless babble. I intended to develop a new time management plan today to implement tomorrow but I didn’t get to it…that bothers me. I feel sluggish…like stagnant water.

She is an intelligent, highly educated woman — an extremely beautiful woman — but I never met a woman yet who didn’t do some kind of Jibber-Jabber.

I’m in no mood for the multitudinous questions that will arise when two people know so little about each other. After so many years in this game, I am tired of the interviewing process that takes place. I have often thought of writing a resume, handing it to a woman, and saying, “Here, this is who I am, what I have of offer, what I am looking for? If you’re interested, call me, if not, let’s not waste your time or my time.”

But of course I never do that. It would be crass. It’s the dreariness of this day that’s making me think about this stuff.

 

My eyes go to the credenza, which is up against the fourth wall. This is the main focus of the room, or the center stage, so to speak. There are six pillar candles lit…each one six inches tall, all flickering in rose-colored glass containers.

They surround a dark wine colored vase that holds six small two-toned pink carnations, at least eight to ten white daisies and other small white flowers that look like baby lilies. They look so serene. So carefree. So fresh and new.

At each end of the credenza enclosing the candles and the flowers, as if in the edges of a painting are two frames…in one frame on the left side is the picture of a lovely little tan cardinal, on the other side in the other frame is the larger magnificent red cardinal – the male.

She must be a bird lover.

“ I thought a credenza was a type of buffet used in a dining room?” I said as she came in with a tray, a bottle of unopened champagne and two champagne glasses. She had served cheese and crackers.

She laughed. Well, yes, but these days we use our imagination and make use of furniture in whatever way we need to. The word credenza has its roots in the Latin word credere, which means “to believe.” Then, in medieval Latin, the word became credentia and then in Italian credenza. You can pop the cork,” she said. “ I imagine you are an expert at opening Champagne.”

‘ I never did this,’ I think to myself, smiling as I took the bottle and acting like I knew what I was doing. I had seen other people do it….I saw how they held the bottle so I got into position.

It is likely that the modern credenza was inspired by the credence, a long table used in the Catholic Mass to hold items for the liturgy.”

For Christ’s sake, she’s a holy dervish or something like that?I thought there was something odd about her.

Its first known secular use was as a sideboard for nobility where food would be placed and taste-tested by servants for poison.”

At that moment, there was a resounding pop and some of the champagne ended on her face and mine.

Laughing she said…“You are so much fun . . . let’s celebrate!”

_____________________________

Copyright All Rights Reserved 2016 Photo Credit: Elliot W. Lesser, 2016

 

 

A Bite of an Apple

apple-poster-edge

Holy Objects

Holy objects point to wholeness, not to the literal or concrete. Icons are one example of a holy object. It is not a mere symbol. A symbol suggests a contract or signa as a means of identification as in a badge. An icon is something greater. It shows a slice of something bigger.

When we enter a space we search for holy objects to determine whether we fit in as an ally. In a real sense, we are searching for the holy object. We look for the power of it to teach us something bigger than what is given within the confines of the frame of the object. We tend do this whether we know it or not.

Speakiing of...
Speakiing of…

The more universal the icon, the more widespread power it has.

A good question to start off is, “What is the icon image of my life as it is?” To begin to see your life as holy (wholeness) begins to broaden and deepen your place in the world. It, in some way, reveals the power of holiness.

In order to understand this, consider your big toe.  It is not just a big toe, it is part of a team of toes, and the team is part of a foot which is part of a leg, which is part of a body, which is part of being. The big toe suggests something larger. Your life suggests something larger.

 

  • How does your life complete the wholeness (holiness) of being? 
  • What is the bigger context of the frame of my life?”

In other words, we discover who we are in the eternal mosaic of being alive.

Attention to what shows up is a venerable and reliable method of this discovery. It will, if you give it some effort help you find out the bigger context, the holiness,  of the icon called ‘your life.’

What's showing up in your backyard...
What’s showing up in your backyard…

It requires effort to discover what is hidden in the frame of your life. It may sometimes feel like a coded message, but it might be better understood as a veiled bride or bridegroom waiting to be revealed. And…there is the possibility that somethings are meant to remain hidden. And hidden brightness requires a quiet, restful stance of faith.

Vanishing — Look, But Do Not Touch

Look, But Do Not Touch

My friend is dying. My children no longer see me as who we brought forth together. The arrival of both makes clearer for me that I spend much time and effort trying to be, when I already am. Wiser for me to let go and look for what is already there.

I will not be known.
Neither will I be remembered.
I will be remembered briefly, but not known.
I will not be known, but remembered, then forgotten.

I work to create memories of me for no one.
Let go of the work.
Surrender, rest here.
And welcome the wind that will carry me away.

Photo and text by Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di

Learning My Self: Unnamed Art.Nomads in the Memory Arbor by Jiaoyuan Qian Yue

Unknown Artists

In the beginning…

The art teacher comes on Wednesdays, one thirty to two thirty.

I go to help.

The table is set. At each place is painting paper taped to a foam core board; two brushes, a wide one and a small one; a plastic bowl of water; a pallet of paints. The residents come, invited or enticed.  Some come. Some can’t.  Instructions for the day’s subject are given which everyone forgets.

We make it up as we go.

 

Connie sits at the end of the table.  She likes her space.  Independent and feisty she wants no help and complains when she doesn’t get it.  She knows a lot about art but now sits confused, not knowing what to do first.

“I don’t know what to do”, she says.

“No one will help me.”

So we help her get started. Her once clear colors have become muddy.

 

Bev is happy, funny and a flirt.  She is no longer anxious to go home to get supper for her boys.  She doesn’t remember.  She needs a hand holding hers to help her paint.

“That’s lovely, Bev,” I say. “Do you want me to hold it up so you can see it?”

Bev says it’s pretty.

“Who painted it?” I ask.

“I don’t know.”

“You did!”

“I did?  I did pretty good!”  She laughs.

“You can write your name in this white space, Bev.”

Her hand with pencil swoops down to make its mark, then up again and down and up like a bird and down, never quite landing.

“Do you want me to write your name for you?”

“Yes.  I need to go visit those people,” she says, nodding toward someone else’s company.

 

Joanne is a professional, a gifted artist, prolific in her day.  She doesn’t cry  anymore because she can’t do what she used to do.  She paints and studies her work, thoughtfully determining what it needs next.   She paints beyond the boundaries of the tape.

“You can write your name here, Joanne,” we tell her when she is done.

She writes her whole name in her beautiful script. Two weeks later when again she is invited to write her name on her painting, she prints W.R.I.T.E.1.2.3.

 

Jean is almost completely blind.  She says she doesn’t know anything about art but she makes colors dance across the paper.  She is pleased as punch.

“I like it,” she says. “It’s happy.”

Karen doesn’t want to paint.

“You do it!  You can do it!” she commands in her gravelly voice.

Hand in hand we paint a great, multicolored heart for Valentine’s Day, the last painting she will do.

“There’s a big white space here, Karen. Do you want to paint some words? Maybe, I Love You?”

“I love you!  I love you! I love you,” she growls.

“I love you too, Karen.”

“Well!” scowls Connie from the other end of the table.  “I’m glad you two are happy!”

 

Father Jim isn’t much one for painting.  He paints three bright colors on his paper and then leaves, mumbling something about having to go visit the sick.

 

Shirley taught art in collage when she was young.  She’s quiet and smiles a Mona Lisa smile when you greet her.  She is blind in her left eye due to a stroke so her painting fills only the right side of the paper, which is all that she can see.  Her painting is fine, delicate, and very beautiful.  She paints nothing in particular and it says everything.

“Shirley, How do you know what color to use?” someone asks.

“I think,” she replies.

 

Carol won’t paint. Sometimes she acts out.  She wanders.

“Will you be with me?” she asks.

“In a little while, Carol.  I am helping with the painting right now.”

“I don’t mean right now.  I mean in eternity.”

“Oh, yes.  We’ll have lots of time there.”

She smiles.

She says,

“I’m lonely.”

flowers byart nomads

In the end.

 

Liz and Mary Mantra, Untitled Prayer, Undertow

Untitled-1

Liz and Mary Mantra

 

May I find the peace, the calm, the strength to let go of my craving…

wanting to know, wanting to have, wanting to be.

May I surrender and rest right here.

Do not wander. Do not wander.

Liz is my teacher. Mary is my friend and retired teacher who travels to be with family and friends, working on whatever needs to be done. I see her for the month of June when she arrives at the farm. She retreats during the winter to live in her tent in the desert.

Photo and text: Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di

photo credit: Joe Ziolkowski, Souvenir I (1997) by Kerry James Marshall
photo credit: Joe Ziolkowski, Souvenir I (1997) by Kerry James Marshall

Untitled Prayer

Tormented souls surround me.
I am one myself.
Some I choose to like.
Others I do not.
Some I choose to love.
Some I can forgive.
Others I choose to condemn with my fear or hate.
This is a madness.
All are suffering.
Some crack slightly.
Some shatter.
Some explode.
Many love in the midst of their suffering.
As always, they parade before me,
One after another.
May I bear witness
Offering only my love.

Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di

Untitled-3

                                                           

 UNDERTOW

Submerged in the rippling water,
My toes gently sink in the sand.
I step into the next wave,
And feel a strong pull as it recedes.
A riptide can be dangerous,
But it is I who make it so.
My fear of disappearing,
Of leaving all behind,
Keep me from the joy of the deep water.
I cling to the shoreline,
And imagine what it will offer.
Let me possess the calm and faith
To go instead with what my heart knows.
To go out willingly with the riptide,
To swim in the swells of deep waters.

Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di

    Photo: Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di

 

 

Up Against a Wall: The Chairs

back to back chairs

Up Against a Wall:The Chairs

 

By Yao Xiang Shakya

The scarf wasn’t enough to cover up David’s hollowed cheek line. It merely reminded him of what he used to prize. Sarah touched her thumb along the tip of each of her fingers when she decided to speak.

“I’m not…” she sighed. “No. That’s not it”

         David, alarmed by Sarah’s stammering, faltered. The beauty, hers, his, waned. “It’s better to be a chair,” he said in an attempt to convince her. Sarah grimaced. “Are you kidding me? You’re doing it again!” she said accusing him of his blockheadedness.

He choked before he answered. “I know. I know. You don’t like it when I say the obvious.”

       “First it’s NOT obvious. And secondly, if you knew that, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” Sarah sunk her teeth into a piece of dead skin along her thumb and tore it off.

David, with his hands in his pockets moved towards Sarah to deliver more of the same. “Say what you will. It’s true. It is better to be a chair. Like that one, the one we paid big bucks for…or the couch, or the Oriental rug.”

Sarah shook her head as she mocked wiping something away in-between them. “You’ll never change. Everyone…”

       David interrupted. “Everyone? Really? Everyone? If you didn’t blow things out of proportion and listen for a change, I wouldn’t have to say shit like it’s better to be a chair.” He’d drawn his hands out of his pockets as though he touched something in the space between them. When he turned away to the side he let his head slump towards one shoulder then whispered.

“And no matter what you say, I know I am right.”

Sarah sighs. She tries again to speak what she came to tell him.

“I’m not…” she stammers.

He turned round and looked at her.

Sarah took in a deep breath and shrugged. Shaking her head from side to side she began again.

“Ok. OK. I’ll bite. Why…Just tell me why you think it is better to be a chair.”

“Not until you tell me who told you I’ll never change?”

 

Koan 85 & the Vanishing Bluebird by Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di

THE MASTER Ikkyu showed his wisdom even as a child. Once he broke
the precious heirloom teacup of his teacher, and was greatly
upset. While he was wondering what to do, he heard his teacher
coming. Quickly he hid the pieces of the cup under his robe.

“Master,” he said, “why do things die?”

“It is perfectly natural for things to die and for the matter
gathered in them to separate and disintegrate,” said the teacher.
“When its time has come every person and every thing must go.

“Master,” said little Ikkyu, showing the pieces, “it was time for
your cup to go. Collection of Stone and Sand #85

Vanishing Bluebird by Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di
Vanishing Bluebird by Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di

Comments on Practice: Vanishing Bluebird

When I look at images, paintings, photos, I immediately want to reach a conclusion, to know something. I am practicing to let go of that reaction and that desire and instead rest in not knowing. However, my desire to know repeatedly reasserts itself, especially when I write about what I am seeing. As I said, these days I am constantly practicing to both let go of wanting to know and believing that I can know.

That said, let me offer comment on the bluebird photos. The bluebird died this spring trying to nest in my chimney. This is a common occurrence on the prairie. I took the photo, I think, because I wished to hold onto its great beauty. Reflecting on it, I see my delusion. When the bluebird was alive, flying about, perching on tall grass, or nesting in a nearby box, I admired it greatly, wishing to see him again and again…..wanting more. When he was made lifeless, I still thought I could have more of him and his beauty, even possess him by preserving him. Much gratitude to whatever carried him off. The second photo captures a cold slap that I needed.

Vanished by Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di
Vanished by Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di

The bluebird vanished, but he did not become nothing. I am sure that I could make a list of what he may have become. But neither can I know nor do I need to know any specifics. It is quite enough to know that he continues to move and change.

Another point that I shall contemplate….who is the “I” that desires and seeks to know? Is it the “I” that wants to hold onto his own beauty, his vitality to, try to possess himself?

I recall something Sister Wendy Beckett said, ” I don’t think we are all that important. We are only important to God, not to ourselves.”

I will start there.

Zhong Fen li Bao yu Di

Thoughts on Seeds by Chana R.

bald spot in yard gone wild by Galit
bald spot in yard gone wild by Galit

Thoughts on Seeds.
By Chana R.

We planted native California wildflower seeds in the dirt patch behind our rental unit last Fall.  It was to be an El Niño year and sometimes the warmer waters of El Niño bring torrential downpours filling our aquifers ending our drought.  At least that is what we all hoped.  But this El Nino did not.  We did get more rain than the year before and that small amount of rain was just enough to get our seeds started. We also added some encouragement from the garden hose.

I would come home from work and stare at the ground looking for the ‘green beard’ that my partner said would come up in a week and it did.

The bag of seeds was a mixture of natives, we figured we would get California poppies which are a smile of delight with their yellow orange cups but we were not sure what else would come up.  The lady at the nursery where we bought the seeds gave us pamphlets on what types of flowers were expected but nothing was better than looking each day to see what shape of green was peeking above the dusty earth.

Then the green took shape into the heavy packages which were busting open with colors, yellows with fuzzy middles, stalks of downy pink and white, baby blue, magenta, and gold.  Everyday there was something new, bunches of flowers with names like tidy tips, owl clover, cambridge bells and baby blue eyes.

If you have never seen a lupine coat a dried field with its mini lavender ladder, it is a sight worth savoring.

I spend a lot of time on the freeway in traffic and coming up to that driveway after asphalt fatigue looking at that random garden mended me in ways I didn’t realize were broken. The garden went through phases, had a resident gopher who saladed her way through the tidy tips like a cartoon, provided cover and food for a plethora of birdlife including a very lonely male mockingbird who kept us up at 3am with his Romeo musical serenade.  For the rest of my life I will remember this time, this garden and the gracious sustenance I received from it.

I don’t really know if we would have attempted this garden if it wasn’t for the promise of rain. And I wonder if the promise of success or even what success might look like, is more about just being breathtakingly present to the seeds we planted ‘just in case’.

Perhaps, my life /
if taken carefully with open eyes/
is just like that warmer ocean weather system of chaos
that sometimes rains and sometimes doesn’t but always offers.

Rejoice in Every Day

 

Chair in Living Room

Rejoicing in everyday things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow every day good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warriors world. Pema Chodron

 

The Pretzel by Elliot W. Lesser

Everyone on Brown
Everyone on Brown

The Pretzel
By
Elliot W. Lesser

Our relationship, Emmy’s and mine, is like a 12-inch long, one inch in diameter pretzel. That’s how relationships can be . . . one long salted pretzel that looks like a cigar.

Of course there are many kinds of relationships just as there are many kinds and shapes of pretzels but these are other people’s affairs, not mine.

This situation – our connection – has been too long. . . seven years. The winds of change blow, the flowing stream slows and muddies.

“We have excitement but never enthusiasm.” Emmy said that, early on.

We are talked out and have (at this point) little in common. I became lazy and seethed with boredom. I guess the label couch potato fits.

Usually, after work on my way back to the apartment, I have to stop in at Bernie’s Bar for a glass — four fingers — of scotch . . .sometimes two glasses . . . just to endure.

We live on the Upper Easts Side of Manhattan. I guess you might say I feel that perhaps I need to atone for something that is nagging at me. There is an intrinsic uneasiness. I am seeing a therapist.

Yes, it’s true, I had used the word engaged a number of times but no ring was given, so you might say, I didn’t seal the deal with that sort of commitment. If a ring was not presented in seven years, I think my intentions were obvious.

This linkage with Emmy is not about love, marriage and a baby carriage. I was dumbfounded when one night during what she called “Pillow Talk” she asked if I thought that we were soul mates.

I wanted to say, we are roommates and sex mates but instead I groaned and pretended to sleep. What the hell is a soul mate?

Human beings never stay at a plateau for long . . .we either move up . . . or down. In this case, the movement is clearly down. And, when a relationship brings me down it is time to move on.

Out of kindness, I wanted to wait until after the holidays. As always she had signed our Christmas cards: Hank and Emmy which made me wince but I knew that breaking up, would not be easy.

She would be hurt and annoyed and I hoped that she wouldn’t cry or whine – that she would be adult about it.

It was delicious when it was fresh and new but everything is transitory. . . relationships are changing things. They go stale.

As a chemist I had long ago learned that the visual could make things clear whereas when using words only – the message can be ambiguous. I wanted to do this once…make a clean, sharp cut with nothing holding us. No guilt, no blame.

I had called her from Kennedy when my plane landed and suggested that we go to what used to be our favorite restaurant– Mario’s — and have a few glasses of wine together with fine aged cheese or maybe warm Brie.

I wanted to do this correctly, end with kindness and class. At this point, she knew nothing of my decision. She was not perceptive which, was part of our problem.

I had been in Atlanta lecturing at Emory for more than a week. That’s another thing, I am a research chemist and I found communication about my work difficult. I had to talk to her as I would talk to a three year old. She had come to the table with a beautiful face and perfect body but it wasn’t enough. Well, it was at first but fires burn out.

She was excited about going to Mario’s and said she wanted to sit in our favorite booth tucked away in a private corner. That was perfect for what I had to do.

We split a bottle of Ménage a’ Trois and were both feeling mellow. That’s when I pulled the pretzel out of my pocket. I had it wrapped in plastic wrap.

After I took the plastic off, I held the pretzel in my hand. It looked like a long finger in the candlelight.

She started to laugh and asked me what I was doing. I held it up over my head. Up…then down almost touching the tabletop. She laughed. I moved it up and down two more times. She laughed again. I moved it slowly to the right and then slowly to the left, like a priest holding up a cross, or a Buddhist holding up smoking incense.

I kept moving it…up and down and back and forth, this time as a Rabbi holds the Torah. And, then, I kissed it.
With pressure from both my hands I broke it in half. Snap! Crack! Done. It was neat and clean.

I gave Emmy half of the pretzel and put my half back in my pocket. I told her that this was the way to end a relationship. Snap! Crack!
Only, it did not work that way. Crying and screaming and accusations came with catastrophic hurricane suddenness and, she forced me to reveal, that yes, there was another woman.

I reminded her I did not vow to love her till death do we part nor to forsake all others or to be there for better or worse. I did not promise to cherish.

I wanted out.

Later, I walked down by the Hudson and threw my half of the pretzel bit by bit into the water. It was like the Jewish practice of throwing bread into the water during the High Holy Days.

It was getting rid of the things in my life I no longer wanted. This was going to be a new beginning for me, a new year, a new town, a new woman.

Image Everyone on Brown by MF and YXS